By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor
For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.
Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.
Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."
So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:
• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.
Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.
• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.
Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.
• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.
• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.
• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?
Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.
• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!
• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.
• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.
So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.
• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.
The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?
• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.
• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Big South Announces Men's Golfer of the Week
CHARLOTTE, N.C. – Coastal Carolina freshman David Dannelly (Easley, S.C.) has been selected as the Big South Conference Choice Hotels Men’s Golfer of the Week, it was announced today by the League office.
Dannelly carded a 3-under 141 (73-68) at the Administaff ASU Invitational (par 72, 7,403 yards) and tied for eighth out of 89 participants from a field that featured 14 teams ranked in the top 50. His 68 in the final round was a season-best and helped the Chanticleers move up two spots in the final standings. Dannelly also recorded his team-leading second Top 10 finish of the year and it was just the fourth Top 10 finish by a Coastal golfer this season.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Kirchmayr Ties for Third at Bryan Park Collegiate
Steffi Kirchmayr finished tied for third with a 221 as the
Of the 18 teams in the tournament, 12 are in the top 40 in the nation and of those four are in the top 10.
Following Kirchmayr and her third-place tie for the Cougars was Fiona Puyo, who tied for 64th with a 242. Emily Rapp and Joanna Klatten tied for 68th with a 243 each. Rounding out the Cougar effort was Kati Scholten who tied for 84th with a 253.
Team Results
1 #5
2 #1 Duke 294-304-310=908
3 #11 Auburn 301-303-305=909
4 #9
5 #42 Furman 301-304-310=915
T6 #20
T6 #15
T6 #23
9 #37
T11 #18
T11 #33
13
14 #27 TCU 310-325-312=947
15 N. Car.- Greensboro 314-328-322=964
16 UNC
17 #31
18
Cougar Results
T3 Steffi Kirchmayr 69-74-78=221
T64 Fiona Puyo 77-81-84=242
T68 Emily Rapp 78-79-86=243
T68 Joanna Klatten 85-76-82=243
T84 Kati Scholten 87-90-76=253
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